Seis expresiones de amor | Psychology Today Reino Unido

Source: with permission, Lance Grande

In my work as a couples therapist, I often hear comments like:

Why don't you ever give me gifts? Why can't you give me the encouragement I need? How long will it take to do your share of the housework? It would be nice to know that you like me.

These people don't just complain to their partners. They are really perplexed as to why their loved ones are not showing love in a way that seems so obvious to them. The source of this disappointment is often a misunderstanding about which different expressions of love are more important to their partners and vice versa. Each of us has our own expectations and ways of expressing love due to our different life experiences.

Ways we express love

The six general expressions of love are, in no particular order:

Spend time together

Give / receive gifts

Words of encouragement or belief in one's abilities.

Helpful behaviors

Physical condition

Words of attention or thanks

This theme was the subject of a book, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Due to his theological background, Dr. Chapman uses biblical references in his writings on the subject, but here I will discuss the subject in a secular context.

Let's take an example of how an expression of love can have a very different meaning than the one it gives or the one it receives. Many of us remember how wonderful it was to have a parent's undivided attention as a child, even for an hour or two. Maybe it was time to play outside, go shopping, cook together, watch TV together, or just take time to talk. His appreciation for their time together may lead you to prioritize shared activities as expressions of love.

On the other hand, your partner might be looking for a very different sign of love. She may feel a greater need for words of encouragement from her. He may not ask for as much encouragement from you, as he assumes you know what he needs and that you just don't want to or can't give him love in this way. Because he doesn't get this kind of love from you, he may feel less loved by you.

Towards a resolution

Many people I have worked with have indicated that they and their partners have different ideas about what constitutes an expression of love. Usually this is because they assume that the other person needs or wants the same expressions of love that they want.

One client said she wished her husband would hold her hand more often as they walked together. Her husband didn't realize how much this meant to her and had a hard time remembering. After realizing the importance of telling each other what they needed, she was able to ask him for words of endearment. It was something she wasn't used to saying, but she was willing to do it for him when she understood the importance of it.

If you have a conversation with your loved one on this topic, you are much more likely to give yourself what each of you really needs to feel loved. And, since "not feeling loved" has been cited in research (Gottman, 1999) as a leading underlying cause of separation/divorce, it's a conversation worth having.

Here are some simple guidelines to start this conversation with your partner.

Identify what your partner is doing to express their compassion and let them know that you recognize and appreciate this action.

Identify what you are doing now (they may not realize you were doing it with intention) and tell them that it is a way to express your love.

Ask your partner what they most need as a token of love from you. You may need to list all six expressions of love to start the conversation.

Tell your partner what you need most and suggest that both of you strive to give more than the other needs.

Finally, always thank the other person for making an effort to change their behavior in ways that improve your relationship. It is well known that positive reinforcement is the best way to encourage behavior change.

You may be surprised at what you learn about yourself, as well as your partner, when you start the conversation suggested here. But then, loving someone is not one of the ways to discover our true selves?