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Most people's perception of couples therapy is that it's a last resort, the thing you grudgingly do right before you file for divorce, so you can say, "We tried everything." It's a few discussion sessions in front of another person to confirm that you can't make things work.
And while this perception is sometimes correct, it's actually more common for couples to seek therapy because they want to avoid all the things I just wrote about.
Couples don't want to get to the point of last resort. They don't want to get divorced and they don't want to keep fighting in the same unproductive way, especially in front of someone else.
Instead of viewing couples therapy as the beginning of the end, here are three reasons to do it before there are significant problems in a relationship.
1. Learn the skills in advance
There is no rule that says you have to wait until things are dire before you learn the best ways to communicate, fight, make amends, and show love. You can learn those necessary relationship skills before problems arise, and then you'll be equipped to handle said problems when they arise.
Do you want to know John Gottman's four divorce predictors so you can avoid them? How to repair after an argument? The best ways to show your love and commitment? How to support your partner? How to regulate your mood? Great, learn these things. Accumulate the skills now, together, when you're in a great place in your relationship, and you'll be prepared to handle the most challenging times ahead.
2. Sign up to avoid problems
Just like we see our doctor for annual physicals every year or regularly change the oil in our cars, a preventative session can help stop problems before they start. Think of it like a relationship checkup.
Take an hour to discuss any emerging issues, review how you communicate and handle conflict, and anticipate upcoming challenges you might face and how you will overcome them.
Addressing potential problems and strengthening the relationship up front makes it much easier to handle future problems.
This preventative work will establish a foundation of mutual investment, alignment, and communication.
3. The problems may already be there
I'm not saying this to scare you, but problems don't just come out of nowhere.
There is a chance that one or both of you have some concerns, perhaps not big enough to be a problem, but potential problems that could become real problems.
Maybe you're both avoiding a major life decision because you don't agree on what to do, or you have some lingering resentment or pain from the past that you're trying to ignore to make the feelings go away.
Looking back, couples usually realize that they should have addressed problems long before they seemed like problems. Discovering and addressing problems, even small ones, can prevent them from escalating.
Additional reason: it is more effective
People think that couples therapy is the final nail in the coffin because couples generally wait too long to start it, such as years and years of unhappiness, desires for change, and considering ending the relationship before trying therapy.
Couples therapy can be incredibly effective when it's not too late.
If you spend 10 years angry with your partner, a few sessions won't fix that.
As an analogy, we don't wait for wounds to become infected to treat them. As soon as we realize that we are bleeding, we wash the cut and take care of it. We should do the same with our relationships. When you see a wound, treat it immediately. A Band-Aid is much easier than surgery, after all.
So now what?
If these reasons have sold you, then great. Now is a good time to start. You can do it the traditional way, with a well-trained couples therapist, or you can educate yourself on how to have a healthy relationship in other ways.
So, go ahead and fine-tune your relationship. There is no better time than now.
To find a therapist, visit PsychologyBlog's Directory of Therapies.
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